It Was Wrong For Me To Do That

We are all familiar with the common scenario where Child A wrongs Child B, and Mother steps in. She tells Child A how we’re supposed to act nicely, and then urges Child A to apologize and say “I’m sorry” to Child B. If Child A refuses, Mother takes the toy away or puts him in timeout until he will do so. Soon enough, Child A becomes “remorseful” and says The Words: “I’m sorry", after which he is allowed to continue playing as before.

Our primary tafkid as parents is to be involved in our children’s chinuch and, whenever necessary, to step in, discipline, acknowledge and encourage. Therefore we must be extremely mindful and aware of the subliminal messages we transmit and understand its impact on our children, especially into adulthood.

When we insist that a child say words that involve a feeling that they do not necessarily feel, we send a message: “You can say that you feel a certain way, even if you don’t, in order to get out of this unpleasant situation.” This is lying.

This is especially harmful when we withhold a privilege or implement a consequence that is contingent on the child stating those words. We are, in essence, not even giving the child a choice and forcing them to lie, as follows:

Saying “I’m sorry” means that I am remorseful for what I have done. Remorse is a feeling and to say that I am feeling it when I am not is a lie. In fact, most young children are not even capable of feeling remorse and should surely not be pressured to say “I’m sorry. And when we pressure them to say “I’m sorry” without developing the feeling itself, they have been pressured to lie.

Sadly, children who are raised this way, grow up without learning how to properly recognize the true feeling of remorse. They become adults who know that “I’m sorry,” are simply two useful words to use to get them out of uncomfortable situations. They are handicapped adults who might not even realize that they are not actually engaging in relationships with truth, healthy remorse and forgiveness. Worst of all, they are not able to use remorse as it was meant to be used in serving Hashem properly. 

How can we help our children develop this feeling? And how can we help our children take responsibility for their actions until they are old enough to develop and recognize this feeling?

The magic begins with, “It was wrong for me to do that…” or fill in the rest of the sentence based on the specific scenario. (For a young child who is not yet capable of this statement, the parent can help them through it.) There is no lying here. The child is simply and truthfully stating a fact. One does not have to feel any specific way to state a fact. Children should also be encouraged to face the other person (and look straight at them) when they say it.

As children grow older, parents can discuss with them the concept of remorse and tell them, “You just took responsibility for what you have done, just like Hashem wants you to. Hashem wants that when you feel sorry for what you did, you should share that as well.”

I found it especially heartwarming to see my children share their remorse, on their own, after they have calmed down and have been able to access that place of regret for their actions.

This is how children can grow up knowing how to really recognize these feelings and to know how to share them truthfully. As well, they learn that they can take responsibility and state their errors – a necessary part of really serving Hashem.

Don’t worry if your child has already been conditioned to blurt out a quick “I’m sorry” instead of verbally and openly owning up to what they have done. It’s never too late to change course.

At first it was difficult for my children to own up in this honest and truthful way. But over time, they got used to it. It was worth every effort to stay strong and continue discussing, educating, and practicing. My children finally got the hang of it.

Of course, parents should also start to analyze their real motives behind saying, “I’m sorry.” Do I say sorry when I feel a conversation has gone south and I’m just going to patch it up so it doesn’t get too uncomfortable? Do I say sorry so I can get what I want? Or do I feel a real sense of regret for what I have said/done? Because ultimately the way we parents behave,even when not around the children, has a huge impact on the atmosphere our children are absorbing at home. A home atmosphere that is permeated with truth, respect and forgiveness is one in which children grow up serving Hashem as Yidden should. 

May we all be marvelously successful in our parenting and merit to walk our children towards Moshiach, speedily in our days!