My Relationship with Hashem - Do I Have One?

Do I have a relationship with Hashem?

The simple answer is: Yes. Every single Jew has a personal and unique relationship with Hashem. 

But, do I sense my relationship with Hashem?  And if I do, does it bring up feelings of love? Anger? Indifference?  

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Learning Torah and doing Mitzvos is valued by Hashem, even when it is done by rote or without specific intention to develop a relationship with Him. However, such an Avodah lacks the vitality and warmth that is the hallmark of a real relationship with Hashem. 

In order for our Avodah to have vitality, warmth and purpose, we need to give it meaning by developing our relationship with Hashem.

You may find the following "self-test" helpful for getting an idea of the current state of your relationship with Hashem, and use the ideas and inspiration below to further enhance it.

Counting Zeros... and Ones

A Chosid once shared with his Rebbe a concern he had about his father-in-law.

"Rebbe," the Chossid began, "I am sure it's not Lashon Hara, because I am concerned for his welfare..." He went on to tell his Rebbe that his father-in-law does not Daven. Anything.

"I even know where he keeps his Tallis, and kept a close watch and saw that it sits there for days on end... Rebbe, I'm begging you, please speak with him. Try to inspire him... I mean this for his benefit!"

After a few requests, the Rebbe called in the father-in-law to discuss the matter.

The father-in-law was straightforward. "Rebbe, I may not be a Tzaddik, but one thing I do not do: Lie. I just cannot lie, and for me to stand there every day, wrapped in my Tallis and Tefillin, and make believe that I am connecting with Hashem... when I am really thinking about everything in the world other than Him... I just cannot do it!  

"Believe me, Rebbe," he continued, "I have tried to push myself, but it's impossible. I am not really Davening. I'm just standing there, lying to the Aibershter... and to everyone around me!"

The Rebbe listened to the distraught Chossid. A true dilemma! He really was unable to "put on a show" day in day out...

Good for Nothing

Shmuel and Chaim are strolling home from Shul one Shabbos morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Yossel, is seen running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

"Well," said Chaim, "I never imagined our good friend Yossel was a Mechalel Shabbos! Look at him running for that taxi."

"Wait a minute," Shmuel replied. "Didn't we just learn to judge people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Yossel's behavior."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."

"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Og Melech Habashan."

"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."

"She just had one last week."

"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."

"She's home."

"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."

"He is a doctor."

"Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital..."

Flawed to Perfection

We all give our best in parenting. We learn, we try, we fall... but we never give up. 

After all, they are our children...

Yet, at times, parents feel that their physical, emotional, or spiritual limitations hinder their ability to raise and nurture their children properly. In fact, some parents may not even be around (figuratively, or G-d forbid, literally) to be a continued, hands-on partner in their child’s Chinuch…

Are these children then doomed to fail? Do these children lose out? Will these children become “damaged”?

It Was Wrong For Me To Do That

We are all familiar with the common scenario where Child A wrongs Child B, and Mother steps in. She tells Child A how we’re supposed to act nicely, and then urges Child A to apologize and say “I’m sorry” to Child B. If Child A refuses, Mother takes the toy away or puts him in timeout until he will do so. Soon enough, Child A becomes “remorseful” and says The Words: “I’m sorry", after which he is allowed to continue playing as before.

Our primary tafkid as parents is to be involved in our children’s chinuch and, whenever necessary, to step in, discipline, acknowledge and encourage. Therefore we must be extremely mindful and aware of the subliminal messages we transmit and understand its impact on our children, especially into adulthood.

When we insist that a child say words that involve a feeling that they do not necessarily feel, we send a message: “You can say that you feel a certain way, even if you don’t, in order to get out of this unpleasant situation.” This is lying.

Responses vs. Answers

Over the last few days I found myself grappling with my feelings and thoughts about the tragedy that befell the Sassoon family last Shabbos…  How to make sense of what happened? What am I supposed to think? What does the Torah teach me about how to respond to tragedy? And finally, the most pressing of all, “Why!? How can Hashem do this?”

I was in a frenzy, looking for comfort, inspiration and insight… and I learned that I will never find an answer to that question. 

Furthermore, finding an answer, any answer, and even looking for one, may not be a good thing either.

My Relationship with Hashem - How to Want

Now that I know about the importance of being Kind and Respectful in my relationship with Hashem, how do I create within myself the desire to serve Him?

How do I disengage myself from my Yetzer Hara, so that I can fulfill my purpose?

How do I awaken in myself a sense of humility, so that I can give to Hashem as He wants?

How do I לייג זיך אויף א זייט, set my ego aside…?

The approach is three-pronged: 

My Relationship with Hashem – What to Want

Of the many ideas Rabbi Manis Friedman shares about Marriage, there is one that I would like to dwell upon - “The Three Pillars of Marriage: Kindness, Respect, Sanctity”  - and draw a parallel to an existential part of our lives: our relationship with Hashem.

While Kindness - giving seems to be the most obvious pillar, it is not enough. There also needs to be Respect, oftentimes expressed in not giving. Rather, out of respect for the other, we limit, or refocus the scope of the giving, to be in line with what the other wants. For example, I have the humility to withhold giving that which I know my spouse does not want. 

Let us explore Kindness and Respect within the context of our relationship with Hashem – after all, Marriage is the human manifestation of our bond with Him.

Me, Myself and My Yetzer Hara

I have found the following exercise to be very helpful in developing a healthy self-image and remaining focused on my Tafkid. It revolves around differentiating between the real "Me" and the Yetzer Hara part of me.

The true "Me" wants Torah, Mitzvos, Hashem, and Shalom. The part of me that wants anything that clashes with the above is not "Me". It's my Yetzer Hara.

Once I acknowledge that, it is a lot easier to veer away from the tricks of the Yetzer Hara. 

Instead of saying “I want to play games on my phone...”, I make the distinction “My Yetzer Hara wants me to waste time, the real "Me" wants to serve Hashem now.”