My Personal Exodus This Year

I worked, I planned, I hoped, I anticipated.

I was looking forward to a wonderful Seder. And indeed, we had a wonderful Seder, albeit in a very different way than I ever imagined. We had worked extra hard during the days leading up to Pesach, so it was quite calm BH on Erev Pesach, however, I was feeling a migraine gradually setting in. By the time the Seder began, it was in full force.

To appreciate my Exodus, I need to share with you how I would have reacted to such a situation in the past. I would have been angry, disillusioned and self-judging. “What’s the point of all the hard work if I can’t even enjoy the pinnacle of it all?” or, “Why does this ‘always’ happen?” or, “It’s my fault… I worked too hard and brought this upon myself. I always overdo it.” And so forth.

But this night was different…

Throughout the Seder, even as the pain increased, I kept reminding myself: Hashem wants me to have this migraine now; this is how He wants me to experience the Seder. And although the migraine was really painful, the pain I felt was only physical, devoid of the angst and stress of self-judgment and self-criticism that would have otherwise accompanied such an experience. (As I look back at the Seder now, I realize that this alone was an Exodus. An Exodus from negative thinking and feeling.)

As I lay in bed after the Seder, feeling the very present, mind-consuming pain, I knew that my thoughts could potentially turn to anxiety and fear: “Why is this happening? Is this normal?” 

But this night was different...

The pain was actually so intense that I did not even have any energy to focus on any fears or worries. I felt myself surrendering to Hashem’s protection and care... "Hashem, this headache is beyond my capacity to grasp or fight. I am leaving this up to You completely." There was an actual, physical feeling of submission and serenity that followed this thought process. I also realized that I would not have been receptive to such a "deliverance" had I chosen to listen to the Pharaoh of anger during the seder.

It was at that moment that I realized that Hashem wanted me to leave the Mitzrayim of fear and anxiety that night and to depart to a state of freedom, where worries don’t weigh down my heart, and anxiety doesn't consume my mind. As a servant of Hashem, He carries my worries for me, and I am free to serve Him with joy and trust, in whatever situation He deems best for me.

This is Exodus! This is freedom! To be free from the powerful Pharaoh of Fear and Anxiety. I am not a slave! I am not bound to worries and I am not limited to the fear-influenced perspective and tunnel vision that Pharaoh paints for me.

Of course, this step out of Mitzrayim does not end here. Inasmuch as Yetzias Mitzrayim is a continuous journey, I ask Hashem to help me draw on this experience and inspiration in the future. 

May we all merit to leave the present Mitzrayim and experience the complete Redemption, speedily!